Well I have to be true full about something, I have been a little sad today not sure why, I guess many reasons but mostly Doug be away, money, and a general feeling of crap. I sometimes feel like when I get down that I am going to be like my mother it scares me. I remember allot of the way she acted towards me when I was a kid and I never want to treat anyone like that or be anything like that. My mom was an alcoholic and had manic depression (wow I haven't told anyone that for years). She only had us part time my whole life I think I first went in to foster care when I was two, and remained there for years in and out and with several families some nice and some not so nice. Anyway back to my mom she would be very snappy distant and intervened when she was sick and when she was drinking she would for no reason and say super hurtful things to us, we were so little and I just remember not understanding why someone who is suppose to love me would say she hated me and I was the reason for all her problems. For the past couple of days Hayden and I have been butting heads and I of course haven't said anything that hurtful just snappy and I have yelled and felt so guilty for it. I also have been distant in my thoughts (way to much going on) and not enough in the moment with him. I guess why I writing this is that I got really spooked today when I was feeling down and I started comparing my self to her and I almost got sick, the monstrous person she could be was something I wanted nothing to do with and would protect my children at all cost from. I know I am nothing like her Iam a great Mother and a healthy minded person. Now looking back I think maybe what I can take from this is that I can understand more of what she was going through. Although more serve she was depressed and alone and had three children, two of which had behavioural issues, that would cause anyone sane to drink let a lone a manic depressive. I also see that maybe its easy to follow you moods easier then changing it and turning your self around. I spent the rest of the day engaging in deeper conversations and interactions with my boys and less thinking about what I cant control.
Beautiful moment brought to you by Hayden....
Hayden asked me if he could write a letter to Santa, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy today I said sure he said he needed to send then his new address and directions to his new house. Too funny i would of never thought to give them our forwarding address.
Hunter
Monday, July 18, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
