The Journey to here.: The phone call

Today its hard to find the words to type this blog. It all sated with a phone call as all bad news seams to happen. When I answered it within minutes it changed my life forever.

Its hard to tell you what the phone call was about without first telling you a little about my past, I try not to go there too much as it way easier leaving in...well the past. When I was little I spent allot of my childhood in foster care in different foster homes lets just say Mom my wasn't able to give me proper care. Well the foster homes didn't always give me proper care as some where good and most were bad, but my saving grace was a wonderful woman who I often refer to as my second mom for her privacy Ill just call her mom. She started out as a support for my mom and us (my sister and brother) and quickly became my Support, Guidance, Love and Normality in my life. She was more then a social worker to me I love her and she loves me. When I was little I would spend allot of time at her house with her family and when I would go back to my foster home I would close my eyes really tight and dream about living with her. We even kind of look alike. I remember and if you are reading you probably remember too that once we talked about adoption and how I wish my mom would adopt me to someone ( deep inside I only wished it was you.) I remember when I as 16 and didn't want to be in foster care any more I decided it was time to move out on my own, how terrifying that must have been for you, but you supported me and taught me how to manage money, do banking, shopping and take care of my self. When I made the wrong choices you never said I told you so or made me feel bad you just loved me and helped me reflect and move forward. I remember when I was 18 and moving off to collage in the big city, I told you I didn't want to go, I was scared and felt along but you had not part in that you said Tanya it time

to just go and this will always be here but you need to go now or you will never go and make you life better. I went and changed my life, met my husband and my other family and made my life way better. I remember when I was 20 and my brother died you where there for me every step of the way bought shoes for me took care of my schooling and supported me. I had planned on moving to B.C. after grad and I said to you I just cant go and you said you need to just go and make you life for you not anyone else. You helped me pick out hiking boots, a back pack, and gave me a great outdoor jacket and I went and thanked you for with every memory I built. You have been there for my though everything through the tears pain and the happy times. You created the stability and support i needed to grow into who I am and for that I am truly grateful and I will always love you and know that even if you didnt adopt me you are my MOM. I know we don't always talk as much as we should but sometimes when you love someone you don't have to say anything for them to know.

Back to the rest of you the phone call was from mom it was 1:45 pm I had this gut feeling it wasn't good I tough it was a death with someone. But I found out it was worse she told me she had lung Cancer and it was pretty aggressive she sounded so week sad and scared. For the first time in my life the one person who I leaned on for support was no longer at her strongest what do you do?? I couldnt get the words I needed to say out all I could say is I wish I could take it all away and make it better. I am not sure how to feel or to think I just want to wrap my arm around her and hold her tight. When your young you think your parents or Guardians are eternal and will live forever I was so sad the day I realised they would die before me and now I am even sadder that I have to watch some one I care about suffer. I cant write anymore I need to cry drink a glass of wine and go to bed.

Good night Mom I love you.