Barbie Girl

How is it that in one week our lives become a roller coaster ride of emotions and events. My mind is racing all day long with scenarios and what ifs. I am making list upon list regarding the what if and not even sure where this roller coaster begins or ends it just feel like it goes on for ever at each turn I become more anxious as we approach scary and scary parts.

I have been going through the motions of my day to day life with a head full of future fantasies.

I had one of my clients parents tell me this week that someone told her I was closing the home day care and moving to Toronto, I was taken back at how quickly my thoughts turn to gossip and get around before I know whats happening with me. I guess if I write in a public way that's what happens. I wasn't ready for that conversation so I avoided it.

Truth is I wasn't sure of what was happening until this very moment and now that I know I do have to keep it off here until I talk to my clients. I do feel that this is my way of dealing with life so i cannot avoid writing any longer but you will just have to wait to see what happens next.

A long time ago in high school I went to a friend of mines house and her boy friend was doing some hand readings I believe about every ones future. So for fun I asked to be read, If I would have known how log I would carry what he said with me I probably would have never asked. The guy was nice enough but I truly never had a connection with him more his girlfriend so I wasn't 100% comfortable with him either, but truthfully I didn't give a s**** (or so i thought)so off I went. He took me in to a separate room I had no idea what to think but we curious about what he would say after all everyone else looked pleased with their results. Well he looked at my hands and then seriously looked at me and continued to say something (forgive me it was along time ago I don't remember exactly what he said) along the line of if I new what a plastic person was ( all I could think of is that song (this ages me) I am a Barbie girl, I said of course I thought he was going to tell me to watch out for plastic people well instead he told me that I was the plastic person and that I just do what everyone else is doing with out thinking about what I want. This stung worst then a bee bite but I was young and said to myself F*** him he doesn't know what hes talking about. The reason why I am writing about this is that I didn't really think much about this until later in my life it did hurt and I did hate hearing something like that about me. I feel like I worked hard i my life to find out what love and happiness was, after a childhood of disappointments and broken hearts. (I laid in bed as a kid and cried my self to sleep most nights with a pain so heavy in my chest I thought I was having a heart attack.) I found my adventure, friends who loved me and I loved back< I found my new family and I made my way through it was hard work but I made it better and I broke a huge cycle. I am hear now sitting a my House with a wonderful Husband and two beautiful boys. I believe that the kind of person I am is fair and I love to play all angles and I feel that I appreciate the difference in life and i don't agree with all opinions but I appreciate them. I feel like I like to be quite and enjoy my thought in my own head with the background noise of the wind and the water. I also like it crazy exciting and loud like a busy rock concert.

Back then sitting their as a seventeen year old, I was scared, Sad, Felt like I didn't have a family only friends, I was unsure of who I was, but hell i was seventeen who the hell are you when your seventeen. I dint understand being called plastic and how that would make me feel, but now I do and know that it take all these experience and emotions to make someone real. I am not fake or plastic I proud to me and all my roller coaster of emotions.

Beautiful Moments brought to you by Hayden.......

When talking about the what ifs Hayden says I think that not matter where we go you day care kids will love the new house and back yard....lol he thinks the world is so small and that everything including Vancouver is just up the street.

(this doesn't mean I am moving we are just very honest with Hayden with all of our plans)

Beautiful moments brought to you by Hunter....

Sitting my the door tonight he looked up at Hayden and said AIIIIDEENNthen I asked his to say it again and he pointed to Hayden and said AIIIIDDDEN first time he ever said Hayden's name Hayden was so happy.