When I was young I would shut my eyes tight and imagine my self in a family filled with love stability and living the "normal" day to day. That was my dream I wished for it on stars, pennies in wells , and exstinguished candles. Always disipointed to encounter a life quite the opposite. Growing up with spilt up parents who were mentally ill, alcoholics and incapable of looking after themselves much less 3 children. Being raised from home to home of foster parents, eventually become a ward of the province and living on my own at 16. Eventually thinking that my dream was a lie and more of a fairy tale I told myself to make myself feel better.
On day many years later without even realizing it had happened. I woke up in the middle of my dream to realize I was living it not quit as I imagined it. But I did have what seamed to be it all, a stable loving family, somewhat normal
( I am beginning to realize normal is unattainable and unrealistic just like common sense.) Wehave food to eat, a roof over our heads, ( even though it's rented it's still home.) clothing on our backs. I wonder how this happened, and realize it was me. I created this, it wasn't easy, there were tough desisions to be made, a lot of selfless acts, hard work, and tears . It wasn't all bad and I had the support of my husband. For many years we only had each other. We learned to support each other, communicate, and to Uphold priorities together. One gift we alway have had is to be friends laugh and have fun together.
I find myself reflecting in the depths of my soul, seeing the moments that mold me forfill me and make me feel hole. Thoughts, beautiful moments that make you breath, tear, and that make you feel truly alive. These moments are not baught, just shared with the ones that you hold close to your heart. These are the moments that keep your heart beating. These moments are the reason it can hurt so much when your hearts bleeding, and when your there on the empty side of the soul these moments make you close your eyes and wish to find the beautiful moments to linger in a little more. You see without ying there is no yang, life has a way of eternal balance. We have to go through the bad to feel the good. I find my self in appreciation of my moments, for I hold them dearly, but I am still haunted by the darkness in my soul.
Beautiful moments:
Hayden telling me I should have been a singer or an artist because I have can sing really good and draw really really good.
One night it was dark, while we were walking the dog. Hunter wanted to walk through the school yard he said, "it not scary!" Just as we passed through I felt his tiny hand find mine and squeeze tight.
Last week singing and dancing feeling the power of Pear Jam in unity. Hearing mind your manners and Elder woman, my neck and legs hurt for days.Love the music of my youth. (Gave me hope then and much more now)
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