Appreciation

I am lucky to be alive to see the twilight of the night. I am lucky to be alive to glow of a brand new day. I am lucky to be alive to follow the paths I choose in life.

The art of Turning away from night(reality)mares, and not running.

Sometimes when I remember back to the days I have come so far. I wonder how I got here exspecially following the paths I crossed. The funny thing about life is as long as your hearts a beating, your living, you have no choice but keep going forward. Sometimes not wanting to admit or admire actions of the past. Thank god for the good one that seam to erase the past. I try not to look to far ahead until it's a dream. I try not to look to far back that's it's a nightmare. Right here is ware I like it present with a little hind and foresight going foreword.

I somehow feel compelled tell a story from long ago. I cannot remember everything so clear now. As pain erases it all. I remember they day I realized I was different and didn't quite fit in the mold of normal, or the mold of my family, I grew up lost somewhere I between. 

You see I knew she drank and changed at the tip of hat. I loved her unconditionally and was blinded to see beyond that. I was a child caught in between innocents and reality of life. 

I remember having this dream that reoccurred for many years. I would be at of town home we shared as a family briefly before we were split. My mother would be  taking my younger brother upstairs for a bath. I went into the kitchen , to look in the junk drawer for stickers, then she came in the door to outside. Mommy! But you were upstairs. she said nothing just kept walking towards me distant faint stare not all there. I felt fear, I needed to find mommy. I started to run upstairs but my legs felt like weights I am not fast enough, She is conning to get me. 

That's it I am awake.

 Many years the dream haunted me. It only took adulthood to see the meaning. 

You see my mom was a sober/ on medication version, and the She was the drunk/ ill minded version of herself. Kind of like the devil in disguise, and just like that I was running for my life unexpectedly. As a child I had no idea how to articulate what I witnessed nothing to tell me what the things I Fremont mention. I did however aquire the skill to wake my self up during nightmares, and eventually to cause night(and reality)mares to subside.

Spot of reflection.

Phishing in Rochester

The night started at noon at a place called dinosaur BBQ. It was cold out and we needed fuel for our night ahead. We ate meat and drank beer, note to self amaricans don't know what a spicy ceaser is, don't be fooled when they offer you a Bloody Mary just not the same. We wondered by the venue to take note on the hard cores already in line, really I guess I am just not motivated enough to stand in line for 5 hours before doors open, for what a poster , front row or T shirt. We wondered throughout the streets of Rochester, if you haven't been don't worry to much your really not missing out on anything. I'll give it the river and walk way around the river in the heart of the..... I can't really call it a city. A city has bars, restaurants, and does not shut down at 4 pm.

(The venue)

 We did stumble upon the world tackiest statue I find it hard to believe someone creatively put some thought in the creation of this twisted badly coloured piece of metal. 

We ended up at our hotel bar drinking with an interesting mix of Phans, got invitations to room parties. Once we changed in to our concert gear we decided we ended to surround our selfs with more Phans so off to the room party it was

(My one night stand pants)

We arrive to be greeted by a guy dressed as a bad disco costume and fro. The guy recognizes Doug we booth have a split second of we have the wrong room. 

But then we greeted by a formilure face, as formilure as some can be after noon time beverages that spam to 4 pm. We chill out with disco Stew and Jacob and the techno cooled jacket/ cape. It's funny how in many other situation you may question having drinks with these too, but in this instance you didn't even give a second though. Somehow in our stumper we managed to score free consumables and make it to the lot/ sea of Phans sprawled doing the shake down thing. It's hard to put into words shake down proper, something I am sure most wouldn't understand until you experience it. Imagine a sea of Phans partying it up tail gate style, seeking or seling anything your heart desires. Needless to say sensory over drive, getting distracted to look up to realize of Shit I lost Doug! Okay think what do they tell kids when they are lost, stay where you are, the person your with will find you . Hmm pretty sure that he is just as lost as me and maybe he stopped hoping I would find him. I scan behind me where I last saw him. I don't see him, one more look I spots someone who looks lost turning in circles searching. As he turns to face me  I am relived to see the formilure features of Doug's face. Holly shit that was scarry, we vow to stick together, way to close for comfort. We eventually weve our way around Shake down once we have our fill we decide it's venue time. We enter the sea of Phans becoming thicker by the minute, grab a beer, I do think for a half second about merch but can't be bothered with the lines. Feeling a little like slow moving livestock we slowly we've our way down to the floor, got to love GA venues. As we snake our way to the front. Not sure how it happened, I could tell you it was the shit on the ground, tread on my shoes, or the guy sitting on the floor I totally didn't see. But bam I am falling, oh god here I go juts in time I feel Doug  me and yank me upwards, nice catch. Once upright slightly embarrassed I do around of apologies and jokes to ensure we don't piss off our new concert neighbours. We chat it up talking snowboarding, Rochester and other things important at the time but now fogged over by the night. I look up to realize we did it we made it second row. 

So close but I was to busy experiencing to take pictures here are a few.

The show that close was intense, beautiful and a full body experience, we did not drink, go pee or leave, realizing the value of our real estate was priceless and we be to hard to stake back. We were Mike Side it was incredible too see everything and feel and create the energy rising through the crowd. It was unreal to see Trey, Mike, Phishman, and Paige feeding off the crowd and each other to see them wail on their instruments up so close. We danced hard in unison of many others, I was dripping in sweat, hungry we somehow yet again forgot about dinner, thirsty, but I could not stop moving, closing my eyes to really feel the music and energy. It took me on a journey, I whished it would never end. But alas all good things do come to an end. We paused as the lights came on, I pinched Doug several times to ensure that was real, did that really happen? Did we just see Phish second row. Did we just dance the whole show watching every note on their instruments and faces. The energy was incredible the crowd became a community flowing together as one. Our walk back to the hotel we were high on Phish, taking everything in slowly coming to terms with the fact our age is catching up with us and instead of going out looking for more at a bar. We decided the best place for us was our room and a soft comfortable bed. 

Beautiful night I can't wait until we meet again Phish, thanks for the unforgetable memories.

My only casualties of the evening was my pleather pant, fist and last time wearing them ripped right through the knee. Sigh, but they did look good on me even if it was only one night . Note to self don't go Phishing in fake leather.

Doug's favorited quote of the night when we arrived at the Hotel, I took one look around and said "This is the kind of place where you go muddin"

The bottom of my soul

The soul cannot be baught, bribed or rewarded with material things. The soul is forfillied in a way that is unexpected and not premeditated. Just when one thinks happiness should  trickle in to the depts of ones soul, they are thrown off to find the soul to come up empty.

When I was young I would shut my eyes tight and imagine my self in a family filled with love stability and living the "normal" day to day. That was my dream I wished for it on stars, pennies in wells , and exstinguished candles. Always disipointed to encounter a life quite the opposite. Growing up with spilt up parents who were mentally ill, alcoholics and incapable of looking after themselves much less 3 children. Being raised from home to home of foster parents, eventually become a ward of the province and living on my own at 16. Eventually thinking that my dream was a lie and more of a fairy tale I told myself to make myself feel better. 

On day many years later without even realizing it had happened. I woke up in the middle of my dream to realize I was living it not quit as I imagined it. But I did have what seamed to be it all, a stable loving family, somewhat normal 

( I am beginning to realize normal is unattainable and unrealistic just like common sense.) Wehave food to eat, a roof over our heads, ( even though it's rented it's still home.) clothing on our backs. I wonder how this happened, and realize it was me. I created this, it wasn't easy, there were tough desisions to be made, a lot of selfless acts, hard work, and tears . It wasn't all bad and I had the support of my husband. For many years we only had each other. We learned to support each other, communicate, and to     Uphold priorities together. One gift we alway have had is to be friends laugh and have fun together. 

I find myself reflecting in the depths of my soul, seeing the moments that mold me forfill me and make me feel hole. Thoughts, beautiful moments that make you breath, tear, and that make you feel truly alive. These moments are not baught, just shared with the ones that you hold close to your heart. These are the moments that keep your heart beating. These moments are the reason it can hurt so much when your hearts bleeding, and when your there on the empty side of the soul these moments make you close your eyes and wish to find the beautiful moments to linger in a little more. You see without ying there is no yang, life has a way of eternal balance. We have to go through the bad to feel the good. I find my self in appreciation of my moments, for I hold them dearly, but I am still haunted by the darkness in my soul.

Beautiful moments:

Hayden telling me I should have been a singer or an artist because I have can sing really good and draw really really good.

One night it was dark, while we were walking the dog. Hunter wanted to walk through the school yard he said, "it not scary!" Just as we passed through I felt his tiny hand find mine and squeeze tight.

Last week singing and dancing feeling the power of Pear Jam in unity. Hearing mind your manners and Elder woman, my neck and legs hurt for days.Love the music of my youth. (Gave me hope then and much more now)

The Moment Mom

Slowly but surely I am growing in to a city mom version of me. You know the one likes Mikael Koors, skinny jeans, tall boots, pumpkin spiced lattes and Sometimes even my smart phone. I find my self having those moments where I tell My kids jump in the puddle, then when they do, the thought of whats in the puddle creeps in, and immediately you think hand sanitiser, Shit! at  home, hmm okay "Wait! don't touch your mouth or face." The one, for a split second when the kids, Dog, and bikes are covered in mud thinks, Shit! that's going to be a pain in the ass to clean. The one that decided its better to walk in a path through the woods, from the subway to walk home rater then wait in a vary long line, then squished in the buss. I truly miss Mother Nature, time and a little less stress but I have found a way to bend, to find these things in different ways. For instance walking down the harbour in the morning is so tranquil you hardly feel you down town. 

Water has always brought a certain peace full feeling, that brought answers to deepest questions and rooted me a little more. I guess that what happens growing up on Georgian Bay. Always going to the water to think, wonder, and question.We often walk the dog in the woods near a creek, catch grasshoppers in a field and ride bikes at the Pump Track. Unplugging in one way and  plugging in another. Seeing , breathing, feeling nature is essential in my life. Appreciation and enjoyment of this is one gift I need to teach my children about. Tonight we tried the pump track. The boys were stoked, I was too until the dog started yanking me down the street, and we arrived to a soaked pump track with slippery and sticky mud covering everywhere. The boys dove in the dog was reeving and wanting to run. The boys approached cautiously but eventually starting to be a little daring and really go. Eventually doing bigger hills, sliding in the mud, and getting covered was fun. Hunter loved the little Pumps, and Hayden did bigger ones. Layla shot around like a bullet, at times every so often she would come when I called. I loved watching their faces light up as the went over the pumps, and to hear them shout when the got over the top. I loved seeing them admire how muddy their clothes were and thick the mud was on their bikes. I loved hearing over and over thorough out the evening how much they loved it and want to go back tomorrow. 

This week has been a blessing getting off early to be with my kids and sharing a moment that shifts you like the water. Sometimes I think we forget to really live in moments. We get crowded by the day to day and rush through the moments, forgetting to stop be present and enjoy. Teaching the babies has taught me how to slow down and be present. I now try and stop and enjoy the moments. So far the moments are precious, aw striking and humorous, defiantly worth stopping for..

Getting lost on the Journey and riding a Journey of being lost.

Its interesting how life’s just evolves and things happen wither your aware of it or not. Life comes in a full circle and one day your this ego ridden teenage, mad at the world, and wanting to rebel. The next moment your 30 and you should have it all figured out. What happens if you don’t, if you realize that you spent along time following dreams others set out for you. What happens if you spent along journey being lost and you didn’t even know you were lost. You lived this journey full of amazing moments and memories and and it ended and you didn’t realize it did. You just started living this life that evolved around you. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that life’s a waste of there are not some wonderful beautiful things that come out this. I think I realized for the first time,  that I have been living life and thinking that I was on my journey and I still didn’t feel quite right like it wasn’t for me it wasn’t my path, it was meant for someone else. I came to a realization oddly enough being reunited with a band (Pearl Jam) that touched me so much as a teen. When I was trying so hard to be like everyone else and tried to act like I was normal. Before I realized that everyone else was acting to nobody was normal, life wasn’t normal. Their music made me feel that it was okay to feel and be fucked up, angry, sad, that these were real feelings too and you needed them to live. I had been watching a movie Twenty about Pearl Jam and their Journey and listening to their music and I crossed paths with a former version of my self. Especially when I listened to this song,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0pmP14Dhxk

I truly felt something inside me shift, I had a realization I had been riding a Journey of being lost. I spent a lot of time over the past couple of years researching every work option out there for someone like me. I think somehow I burnt out or lost the magic that I want to feel like everyday. I spend working away from my family whom I love I devote my self to something creative of I am passionate about. I finally think that I may know that I need to let go move on and regenerate something challenging and motivating and I believe I will always want to be working with people and helping them in some way. I might just have found myself again in the last place I expected it. I subconsciously had this realization and once I recognize this and started to think about me my life and where I want to go This incredible feeling of being lost was gone and I may yet not know where I am going but I do know where I am and how I got here so I will start from there and hopefully find out where I need to Journey next.

Coincidences on Purpose

Yesterday I woke up after a refreshing escape in my dreams to the feelings of reality smacking me in the face. I sunk when I felt my necklace hit my chest. Oh yes she’s not here I will never see her again. I missed her more with that thought and tried to push everything aside to go through the motions of my morning. As I walked out the door I blew many kisses to Hunter and held the door open long enough to catch his kisses in return and exchange smiles. I am not sure what made me think of her again but with each step down the stairs a new memory came to mind each one filling my eyes with tears as I broke free form the building. I looked up and saw the most beautiful sight, The Dawn of the new day filled the sky with a bright pink, and orange full of warmth that I felt go right to my heart. I paused closed my eyes and smiled and said out loud (not even feeling ashamed if someone heard me hoping the message got to the one I needed it to get to " I feel you there, I know your right here with me saying it will be okay" I sighed and said " its just so hard to imagine not sharing another moment with you".


I do not believe in coincidences I believe that things happen for a reason and have a purpose if you truly look. A few days after she passed I started to read these positive outlooks on facebook to me they are words of comfort because like the sun they fill me with warmth hope love and they put a smile on my face.

Here are some to share.........
These two I recived a few days before she passed Oct 9th



This One I recived the day after she passed Oct 13th


This one 3 days later when I hit the anger part of greiving. Oct 15th


This one was on the 17th

This one when I just wrote about the last time hugging her in my jornal and the last words she said to me "I Love You" at this point she wasnt saying more then Yes.

 

Oct 20th it reminded me of her...


Oct 23



Oct 24th




Oct 25th





































Beautiful Moments:

The wind was blowing against the building and it was howling Hunter woke up came to and said theres a monster out there I said no hunny its the winds Monsters are just pretend he said no it has a head arms and a face.
LOL